Her.

I find myself today in reflection.

I can see and feel a past version of myself. Facing experiences and situations that were darker than she ever thought she would have to face. Death had shown itself.

I remember the moments. I remember how she felt. She felt completely broken. She felt like she was cursed. She wondered why this was happening to her. The shame and frustration she felt for allowing herself to completely quit and crumble. She felt like a failure hiding away from the world. And she felt completely alone.

And today, I meet her in my mind, and I see the complete opposite.

I just want to reach out, lift her chin, look her straight in her tear filled eyes and say thank you.

Thank you for allowing yourself to wilt into the complete heartbreak. It was the exact thing we needed to do.

Thanks for learning to sit in the fear. To hold its hand, and to revisit it over and over again. For letting it somedays consume you.

Thank you for teaching me it was okay to break. For choosing your pain over pushing through and showing up fake outside in the world.

Thank you for fucking feeling it all. And thank you for not telling yourself over and over again that it was going to be okay. Because it wasn’t okay.

I want to tell her how strong she was. How I wish I could have been there for her. I want to ask her how she got through it. I want to ask how she picked herself up.

As I hold space for myself today, I feel her power within me. Though she felt like she was in her weakest moment, she was actually the reason I grew. She takes up the whole room, and her energy glows so bright.

She’s the reason I released the grip of control on life. She is why I can cry. She is why I learned to scream. She is who taught me that not everyone deserves me. She is why I fuckin fight for my children, no matter what.

She is my why for choosing to live my authentic truth, and to walk my own fucking path. She is why I show up for myself everyday.

I remind myself today that she still lives within me. That she speaks through my heart. That her wisdom is my greatest worth, and that no one else can hear her.

And then I hear her voice within.

She reminds me today, that SHE sees me.

That I was who SHE was dreaming to be.

That SHE admires me.

That I empower HER.

That SHE is so proud of who I am.

And then she reminds me…

That I must write.

That I must speak.

I must share our story.

Because in all the darkness…

I was HER why.